I just finished watching "Bullshit" on Showtime. Self Esteem was the subject.
I have always been confused about this issue. I was always told you have to love yourself before you love others... now that's just not true. We all are inspired to do things for a reason. That reason is to make us feel good. No matter what it is that we are doing we NEED to do it for validation. Weather it is working hard for that sports car or just doing a job because it is something we do well. Which in turn comes back to us in some form of validation. We want to know we exist and that people like us.
Without validation we worry that there is something wrong with ourselves... we wonder and try to change what we are or the way we do things to be accepted in groups. We can be in any group we want, if we teach ourselves to be like and do the things that would cause us to be accepted into that group.
Groups are strange things in themselves. Depending on what we want we look for acceptance in a group that blends with what we want. Sometimes these groups don't meet within the socially accepted limits or the accepted limits of our families. This is where life gets confusing. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong. Belief systems that we have created and apply to others sometimes... most times.. will not fit exactly. But to be accepted we conform to the rules for the validation of others.
I think in the long run that if we do and learn good things and do them well then we will receive the validation that we need for our self esteem.
Self Affirmation only builds narcissistic behavior. We are told or in this case we tell ourselves that "we are the greatest out there...." "I am good.." "I can do anything...." which only sets us up for when reality hits us in the face to tell us different.
"I am the greatest out there..." - you can only be the greatest at something by becoming the best at whatever it is that you are trying to do. Practise, Practise, Practise... and training...
"I am good.." This is something we are told to tell ourselves all the time... thing of it is.. its just us telling us that.... when you are not told this by others then you are just blowing up your own ego. By doing whatever it is we do the best way possible and and completing the task we will receive the validation that we truly want and need to make us feel like we are truly good.
"I can do anything..." well.. within limits. If we spend all our time telling ourselves that "I can do anything.." it takes away the time that we should be practising what we really want to do well. In addition to that is that we cant do "anything". We must face the truth of reality that while we can appreciate anything in life we can never do anything we want. When I was young I always wanted to be a pilot of a helicopter for the Coast Guard. I always admired what they did... but the fact of reality is.. I'm just too tall. I don't fit in the pilots seat. There is something I can never do... but I'm OK with that.. there are a lot of pilots out there who cant do some of the things I can do. :)
All in all I think that what I have learned within the past 2 hours is that while life is not all about me.... and sure I don't have the greatest self esteem... I can do something about it... I can do what I do the best I can and by doing so receive the validation of my friends and peers. In return I must remember in my day to day life it is also important to give validation to others for their jobs well done.... by doing so we all just make the world a better place to live in.
That's just my opinion.. I could be wrong. :)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Problems and virsus...
I knew things were going to well.... I guess there must be balance.
For the past two weeks things have been going pretty good. Few issues but nothing that was not quickly solvable. Now it seems to be going all to shit again. I just don't understand how to keep balance in my life.
Now I'm back on the trash train it seems. I had work for the past few weeks. I actually thought things were going pretty good. I had some metal jobs and seems that every time I turned around someone was wanting me to do something... for actual money. In fact I was doing quotes last Thursday and getting ready to do the job. Things were looking up. I created the quote on Monday and had it to the customer that night. He even said that sounded like a good price. I fully expected that he would tell me to come by the house today, Tues., and pick up a check to get the work done. Meanwhile I had another guy who was waiting on getting the money together and he finally said he had the money and he would get with me to give it to me.... then I waited 2 hours....
Yep a mear two hours later I was handing out the quote papers and got these responses: (first guy) "OK... Ill take this and look it over and let you know..." (Second guy) "I cant find my checkbook so Ill have to get with you later....." I never heard back from him.....
I realize that there is still the possibility I will still get the jobs... and I hold hope there... but this evening my wife says... "I have a problem with my computer..." I look at the screen and somehow.. some way... she has obtained one of the more nasty viruses out there. She starts telling me what happened and how "SHE" didn't do anything to get the virus. I just want to look and fix the problem... Then I start getting the "I have NO idea how I get these things..." I try to point out how she gets them, but the response is "but no one else I know is getting them going to the same sites I do...." I really don't mind fixing her problems... sure.. its frustrating dealing with an infection but I do know how to find the answers I usually need. What I don't handle well is hearing the stories, reasons, details I don't need. What was just going to be a fix turned into a full blown fight. I raised my voice with frustration... she starts crying...(I don't care for crying... its a pure waste....) She then says that I treat my friends better than her... that I am nicer to my friends than her.... I try to explain that I fix the friends computers because they pay me for one.... second off I don't usually see the computer again after I fix it. This is the THIRD time this year I have worked on this computer! The crying turns to anger and she says "I'm taking it to Best Buy for them to fix...." At 9:45pm she wants to try to take it to BEST BUY for them to fix... I told her I would fix it... but she then decides it needs to be fixed before morning!!!! Yelling and Screaming and crying continue and I finally take the computer from her. With her hot on my heals she follows me to my office where I close the door and lock it. She is on one side of the door screaming at me for me to give her computer back to her. I look at the door and say "no." This continues for about 30 min. of her beating at the door and yelling something (cant really tell what it was because the door is thick and she finally goes away and sits in her chair and watches TV and sulks. I start fixing the computer.
So... here is where we stand at this moment... I'm STILL up working on the computer... Depressed after being called "mean" and an "Asshole" (my response was "go fuck yourself")... she is off in dreamland in bed....
We made an agreement that we would not go to bed angry... she is in bed... has not spoken to me since I opened the door. Sometimes the silence is comforting.
Am I really that bad of a person. She got her way the way she ALWAYS gets her way.. by being sarcastic to the point of making me so upset that I yell at her.. make her cry... and then feel bad and give her what she wants right then and there. I'm thinking about just staying up tonight... not even going to bed. Why not... got nothing to do tomorrow other than continue to look for more metal work... and continue fixing this stupid computer.. which will prob. be infected again within a week or two.
What do you do in situations like this when you have "anger" problems? I don't feel anger when I do it.. I feel frustration that no one seems to see it from my point of view. That's what bugs me. I try to look at the logical solution to the problem but there seems to be some sort of block to keep the solution from being applied.
Now things are in shambles... I'm trying to fix them... I'm trying not to cause them... oh well.. eventually it will swing the other way and things will seem OK again.... funny part is... no one will ever read this... go figure.
For the past two weeks things have been going pretty good. Few issues but nothing that was not quickly solvable. Now it seems to be going all to shit again. I just don't understand how to keep balance in my life.
Now I'm back on the trash train it seems. I had work for the past few weeks. I actually thought things were going pretty good. I had some metal jobs and seems that every time I turned around someone was wanting me to do something... for actual money. In fact I was doing quotes last Thursday and getting ready to do the job. Things were looking up. I created the quote on Monday and had it to the customer that night. He even said that sounded like a good price. I fully expected that he would tell me to come by the house today, Tues., and pick up a check to get the work done. Meanwhile I had another guy who was waiting on getting the money together and he finally said he had the money and he would get with me to give it to me.... then I waited 2 hours....
Yep a mear two hours later I was handing out the quote papers and got these responses: (first guy) "OK... Ill take this and look it over and let you know..." (Second guy) "I cant find my checkbook so Ill have to get with you later....." I never heard back from him.....
I realize that there is still the possibility I will still get the jobs... and I hold hope there... but this evening my wife says... "I have a problem with my computer..." I look at the screen and somehow.. some way... she has obtained one of the more nasty viruses out there. She starts telling me what happened and how "SHE" didn't do anything to get the virus. I just want to look and fix the problem... Then I start getting the "I have NO idea how I get these things..." I try to point out how she gets them, but the response is "but no one else I know is getting them going to the same sites I do...." I really don't mind fixing her problems... sure.. its frustrating dealing with an infection but I do know how to find the answers I usually need. What I don't handle well is hearing the stories, reasons, details I don't need. What was just going to be a fix turned into a full blown fight. I raised my voice with frustration... she starts crying...(I don't care for crying... its a pure waste....) She then says that I treat my friends better than her... that I am nicer to my friends than her.... I try to explain that I fix the friends computers because they pay me for one.... second off I don't usually see the computer again after I fix it. This is the THIRD time this year I have worked on this computer! The crying turns to anger and she says "I'm taking it to Best Buy for them to fix...." At 9:45pm she wants to try to take it to BEST BUY for them to fix... I told her I would fix it... but she then decides it needs to be fixed before morning!!!! Yelling and Screaming and crying continue and I finally take the computer from her. With her hot on my heals she follows me to my office where I close the door and lock it. She is on one side of the door screaming at me for me to give her computer back to her. I look at the door and say "no." This continues for about 30 min. of her beating at the door and yelling something (cant really tell what it was because the door is thick and she finally goes away and sits in her chair and watches TV and sulks. I start fixing the computer.
So... here is where we stand at this moment... I'm STILL up working on the computer... Depressed after being called "mean" and an "Asshole" (my response was "go fuck yourself")... she is off in dreamland in bed....
We made an agreement that we would not go to bed angry... she is in bed... has not spoken to me since I opened the door. Sometimes the silence is comforting.
Am I really that bad of a person. She got her way the way she ALWAYS gets her way.. by being sarcastic to the point of making me so upset that I yell at her.. make her cry... and then feel bad and give her what she wants right then and there. I'm thinking about just staying up tonight... not even going to bed. Why not... got nothing to do tomorrow other than continue to look for more metal work... and continue fixing this stupid computer.. which will prob. be infected again within a week or two.
What do you do in situations like this when you have "anger" problems? I don't feel anger when I do it.. I feel frustration that no one seems to see it from my point of view. That's what bugs me. I try to look at the logical solution to the problem but there seems to be some sort of block to keep the solution from being applied.
Now things are in shambles... I'm trying to fix them... I'm trying not to cause them... oh well.. eventually it will swing the other way and things will seem OK again.... funny part is... no one will ever read this... go figure.
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